My fear of dying

At the weekend I was in the park with the Boy and we bumped into his gorgeous little friend from the childminders, with her and her Mum was her 15 month old cousin and we had a lovely time playing on the swings and the roundabout together. The Mum told me that she was looking after her niece for the day to help out her brother. She then went on to tell me that her brothers wife had died last November, aged 34, from a virus. She was fine one day and then died the next. I do recall being told by her husband at the Boys birthday party that they had just returned from a funeral where I offered my condolences and didn’t think much more of it, until I saw this beautiful smiling little girl and realised that she had lost her mother at just 9 months old. I felt a rush of emotions looking at her – overwhelming sadness, anger, disbelief but most of all fear. Fear that this can happen, I mean I know it can, you read about things like this but it never happens to someone you know and you can live in a kind of blissful ignorance that “this will never happen to me”.

Before the Boy was born I was very laissez-faire about life and if I was going to die then that was obviously my destiny. Its not something I wanted but if it was going to happen then I would accept it as my fate and hopefully get another go. Everything changed when I became a mother and met this little being who changed my world. Since the Boy was born my biggest fear is dying. I cannot even contemplate leaving him, for him but mainly for me. I want to be here for him, to celebrate with him when he succeeds and comfort him when he doesn’t. To watch him grow and embark on new challenges in life – pre-school, school, university, relationships, work. Although I sometimes want to freeze time as he is so darn cute right now, I look forward to watching his life progress and being a part of it – teaching him, learning from him and watching his influence on the world.

Now that life is more enhanced and my heart seems to have physically grown, I am much more aware of its fragility and this scares me.



8 Responses

  1. Thanatophobia….Oh what a sad thought! Having “died” recently myself (!) I think the important thing is not to think of dying but get on with the living. Live each day as if its your last. Its a difficult subject to discuss without sounding crass. But if the worst was to suddenly happen (which it wont) why not make sure your photo albums are up to date and write them letters to give to them at various stages of their lives (exams, Uni, weddings etc). XXXXX

    • I never knew it had a word! I totally agree with living life to the fullest but sometimes everyday does tend to get away from you. I write the Boy a letter every year on his birthday and am saving them just in case. Thanks for reading (very glad you are still here to)! xxx

  2. Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog, I really appreciate it.

    Since losing my Mum suddenly at a young age (she was 56) it made me realize how precious our time with the people we love really is.

    When Mum passed my two youngest Brothers were only 18 & 21 and she never got to meet their children that they have since had. I appreciate my life a whole lot more now and cherish every day I have with my family.

    Love that you write your Boy a letter every year…that is so lovely x

    • Thanks for reading. I think children just make you re-evaluate your life and its worth, you are no longer just living for yourself.

      I am pleased I started writing the letters to, now I just have to decide when to give them to him, as I plan to live to 100!

  3. I’m so with you on this. It happened to my ex’s aunt, and it terrifies me to think I might not be here tomorrow. What terrifies me more, though, is the idea that my daughter or my partner could not be here tomorrow. I don’t know what I would do without them.

    Certainly makes you want to live life, doesn’t it?

  4. Wow a thought provoking post! I lost my dad when he died at the age of 56 and it really was a dark time. However, I don’t worry so much about me dying but my nearest and dearest, selfishly due to my inability to cope on my own. That I do worry about but maybe I should think about wether others could cope if it was me!!

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