Top 5 Baby Inventions to Make You Rich

Feeding a tiny baby can take a long time and if you’ve forgotten your kindle / book /  iPhone you sit there staring adoringly at your angel for a while until your mind starts to wonder. Well mine does anyway. I wonder how I could possibly get my kindle from the bedroom upstairs without disturbing Baby Girl, or whether Baby Girl is undisturbable or if I do disturb her will she gurgle happily until I have my kindle then resume feeding and go to bed easily. So on one of these mind-wondering feeds, I started thinking about the Top 5 Baby Inventions to Make you Rich. Here are my 5 and if you invent any of them, not only will you become rich beyond your wildest dreams but you will also have your first purchaser – just let me know!

  1. Matilda-style telekinesis tablets – how many cups of tea have I wasted since Baby Girl was born? How many times have I sat down, latched her on to feed and suddenly had a gasping desperation for water? How many times has the remote control / phone / kindle been on the other side of the room completely out of reach? Well you get the picture. Imagine, you sit down but, oh darn it my cup of tea is just out of reach, hang on I’ll just pop one of these telekinesis pills and hey presto cup of tea floats down into your hand. Now I wouldn’t want permanent telekinesis invented as it would just lead to laziness and /or crime but they could have the tablets available on prescription for the needy.
  2. Baby mind reading device – have you fed enough? If I put you down will you suddenly wake screaming in 30 seconds? Are you hungry? Are you tired? Do you have a dirty nappy (without me taking off all your clothes and waking you up fully)? Do you just want a cuddle? Oh if we knew what was wrong we could fix it easily.
  3. Transparent feeding bra – breastfeeding is wonderful but so often I wonder, has she eaten enough, has she emptied this breast, should I move onto the next, before giving one a squeeze and winging it keeping my fingers crossed that she will sleep tonight. Imagine, a bra which could see into your breasts so you could see how much the baby was getting and also see if they had emptied it.
  4. Baby hypnosis – if someone offered me a way to get Baby Girl to nap in the day (without causing her harm or distress of course) and it worked instantly I would pay them a fortune. If they can hypnotise dogs surely they can figure out how to hypnotise babies?
  5. Lifelike, fully functional add on arms – poor Baby Girl has almost had her hair singed while I juggle feeding her with cooking the Boys dinner, her leg bashed against the bath while I hold her and bath the Boy and left screaming in the buggy while I wrestle the Boy into coat / gloves / hat / shoes as he complains that he doesn’t want to go out. She is surviving and happy by the way, just slightly neglected compared to the Boy’s early days! Oh for an extra pair of hands, one to put on a coat and the other to rock the buggy, or one to hold her and one to play toys with the Boy. Clip on arms would be fine as I don’t need them all the time.
So get your inventing caps on folks – any of these inventions will be sure to make you rich!

Can you tell I am a control freak?

7 Responses

  1. from one control freak to another! Bloody marvellous ideas

    hope all is well lovely x

  2. I’d particularly like the mind reading! I’d also like a sort of nappy alert device-something that would tell me when she’s planning on going so if I need to change her nappy before I leave the house I can wait till she’s done and she won’t do her favourite trick of pooing into a clean nappy mere seconds after I’ve locked the front door…

    • Oh yes, I forgot that one I’d also thought of – a nappy alerter, maybe like one of those sticks they use for testing wee that pokes out of the nappy and says “wet” or “dirty” or “ok”

  3. Love your blog, but I would put a sleep banking system on there. Once my babies slept, I’d then press the sleep on switch and bank more sleep when my hubby was around. Come to think of it, I would use it even now.

  4. I hear you! But how do you get the tablets you’ve left in the other room :-)? I think someone needs to invent something that exactly mimics the movement of a car. Never fails to get baby off to sleep …. and there are things out there but i don’t think anyone’s perfected it yet!

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