Reliving the newborn stage

Today I am 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, therefore avoiding any unforeseen scenarios involving stubborn foetuses unwilling to vacate the premises, within 6 weeks there will be a new person in our lives and living with us in the outside world.

This prospect both excites and petrifies me. Continue reading

My fear of dying

At the weekend I was in the park with the Boy and we bumped into his gorgeous little friend from the childminders, with her and her Mum was her 15 month old cousin and we had a lovely time playing on the swings and the roundabout together. The Mum told me that she was looking after herĀ nieceĀ for the day to help out her brother. She then went on to tell me that her brothers wife had died last November, aged 34, from a virus. She was fine one day and then died the next. I do recall being told by her husband at the Boys birthday party that they had just returned from a funeral where I offered my condolences and didn’t think much more of it, until I saw this beautiful smiling little girl and realised that she had lost her mother at just 9 months old. I felt a rush of emotions looking at her – overwhelming sadness, anger, disbelief but most of all fear. Fear that this can happen, I mean I know it can, you read about things like this but it never happens to someone you know and you can live in a kind of blissful ignorance that “this will never happen to me”.

Before the Boy was born I was very laissez-faire about life and if I was going to die then that was obviously my destiny. Its not something I wanted but if it was going to happen then I would accept it as my fate and hopefully get another go. Everything changed when I became a mother and met this little being who changed my world. Since the Boy was born my biggest fear is dying. I cannot even contemplate leaving him, for him but mainly for me. I want to be here for him, to celebrate with him when he succeeds and comfort him when he doesn’t. To watch him grow and embark on new challenges in life – pre-school, school, university, relationships, work. Although I sometimes want to freeze time as he is so darn cute right now, I look forward to watching his life progress and being a part of it – teaching him, learning from him and watching his influence on the world.

Now that life is more enhanced and my heart seems to have physically grown, I am much more aware of its fragility and this scares me.



Peeping Tom

>As per SuperAmazingMum and ManicMum’s Peeping Tom meme here is my real life love story.

I never imagined that I would meet my husband and the father of my children on my first day of University. In fact I didn’t know it until many years later. On arriving at the University of Bradford halls of residence I was on the lookout for a boyfriend, having never had a real one before, but the Man never even entered the radar for that. He just wasn’t my type but we got on really well as friends and he would let me watch Dawsons Creek on his TV even though he hated it and let me sleep in his bed (while he was relegated to the communal kitchen counter) when I was locked out of my room. We were always good friends but that was it.

Five months after starting university I did nab myself a boyfriend. He was lovely and we were together for two and a half years but we were very different people and I was not sure about our future. Two things highlighted this for me, the first was the Richard from Friends type moment (you know, the one where he tells Monica he’ll have kids “if you want to”) as he decided that after two years of telling me he never wanted to live in London that he would make the move “if that’s what I wanted” and the second was seeing the Man leaving a club with, lets call her “some Hussy”, which provoked a strong reaction in my gut which felt a lot like jealousy. For weeks I tried to deny this feeling as I was very confused, how could I like him, I had a boyfriend – it was a difficult time for me and as I don’t eat when I am stressed I actually lost weight.

After a stressful couple of months things finally came to a head when we were in the pub, drinking lemonade and watching Neighbours on the TV and I had to leave to meet my boyfriend and I realised I really didn’t want to, sitting in silence with the Man was more enticing than dinner with my boyfriend. So that was it, we broke up that night.

Things move fast at university when you don’t have a job to occupy you and only 15 hours of lectures (and you only bother going to 2) so within a few days the Man had some idea that he was a factor in our breakup (I cannot lie and when a mutual friend asked me if I liked someone else I caved as I had been hiding my secret for so long). As the direct person he is, he got straight to the heart of the matter and asked to “talk” – in the middle of the day, before any alcohol was even consumed! Was he crazy? So I stuttered not yet and proceeded to get very drunk in a club later that night (these being student days where every night was a different club, oh to be young).

What I didn’t know at the time was that almost at exactly the same time as I started to have these odd feelings towards him, he started feeling the same way and thank god he is a very open, honest and brave person as he told me exactly that. It was lovely and oh so cute as we both pondered what on earth to do about this for fear of ruining a fantastic friendship. So we headed back to my place to talk. We both agreed we wanted to kiss but should we, what if something went wrong, what if this wasn’t the right thing to do? The Man’s motto has always been “live by the coin, die by the coin” and so we decided heads we kiss, tails we don’t. Guess what came up – three times in a bloody row, tails!! So of course he threw the coin on the floor and kissed me anyway.

Ten months later we moved to London after graduation, two and a half years after that he proposed (which is worth another post in itself) and 18 months after that the most beautiful Boy in the world was born.

So thank you Bradford University and some Hussy.

>My amazing boys

>I have been working late a lot recently closing a deal at work and have had to miss the Boys bedtime on too many occasions. I am very lucky not only to have a wonderful supportive husband who takes care of the Boy most nights but he also does this…

I am keeping this for whenever I need a pick me up!

>Just like Christmas

>Fridays are my day off and the day I get to spend just me and the Boy. I love the Man but sometimes I like to have the Boy all to myself. I have been so busy at work this week and haven’t seen the Boy (apart from mornings and a sneaky kiss while he is sleeping) since Tuesday afternoon and I cannot wait till tomorrow.

Every Thursday night is like Christmas for me now, I get so excited on Thursday afternoon and cannot wait till the morning, my present being a relaxing morning with the Boy where we don’t have to get out of our PJ’s or rush out of the house until just before 10am to pop round the corner and play with toys at toddler group.

Oh I cannot wait, only one more sleep!!

Sorry about the short post, just so excited I had to share it with you!

>The Power of Love, through scent

>Today the Man and I took a day off work, sent the Boy off to his childminders and had a day of fun – tennis, massage, swim, sauna and afternoon tea, you get the idea. It was lovely, and now we are just waiting for the babysitter before we head off to the cinema.

This morning, I got ready as usual to go out but instead of using one of my everyday perfumes, I sprayed on my wedding perfume and closed my eyes while the memories flooded back. The apartment where I got ready before the wedding with my best friend pulling the corset, waiting outside the ceremony room for my dad to bring me my bouquet (which I forgot). Then my darling husband came downstairs wearing his scent, put them together and they are the smell of my happiness (alongside the smell of the top of the Boys head). Our amazing and beautiful wedding and stunning honeymoon in Hawaii. 
The point of this post is not to show off about my wonderful day or special wedding and honeymoon, although so far it may appear that way, but to highlight the power of smell and how it can evoke memories and feelings as though you were back when they happened. I am so grateful that someone (can’t remember who) recommended this to me and that during our wedding day and honeymoon we only wore these perfumes to cement the memories. Now we only wear them for special dates where it is just the two of us.
As if we were a fashion magazine:
She wore: Body Shop, Vanilla
He wore: Mont Blanc, Starwalker