My fear of dying

At the weekend I was in the park with the Boy and we bumped into his gorgeous little friend from the childminders, with her and her Mum was her 15 month old cousin and we had a lovely time playing on the swings and the roundabout together. The Mum told me that she was looking after herĀ nieceĀ for the day to help out her brother. She then went on to tell me that her brothers wife had died last November, aged 34, from a virus. She was fine one day and then died the next. I do recall being told by her husband at the Boys birthday party that they had just returned from a funeral where I offered my condolences and didn’t think much more of it, until I saw this beautiful smiling little girl and realised that she had lost her mother at just 9 months old. I felt a rush of emotions looking at her – overwhelming sadness, anger, disbelief but most of all fear. Fear that this can happen, I mean I know it can, you read about things like this but it never happens to someone you know and you can live in a kind of blissful ignorance that “this will never happen to me”.

Before the Boy was born I was very laissez-faire about life and if I was going to die then that was obviously my destiny. Its not something I wanted but if it was going to happen then I would accept it as my fate and hopefully get another go. Everything changed when I became a mother and met this little being who changed my world. Since the Boy was born my biggest fear is dying. I cannot even contemplate leaving him, for him but mainly for me. I want to be here for him, to celebrate with him when he succeeds and comfort him when he doesn’t. To watch him grow and embark on new challenges in life – pre-school, school, university, relationships, work. Although I sometimes want to freeze time as he is so darn cute right now, I look forward to watching his life progress and being a part of it – teaching him, learning from him and watching his influence on the world.

Now that life is more enhanced and my heart seems to have physically grown, I am much more aware of its fragility and this scares me.